Share your story!

Tonight I am going to take you on a ride down Serious Lane. Today I am grateful for being open.

We all have a story to tell. You know the story of your past, the experiences you have endured that ultimately make you who you are today. No matter what your story is - one that is all sorts of fucked up, or one that is protected, innocent and safe - how we end up to where we are today is a direct result of choices we have made to define our story, tell our story and how we choose to continue to grow our story.

I, unfortunately, have not had the greatest story, I have experienced many things, most of you have not. I have experienced things, that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy... I would not wish upon anyone.

However, I can't change what has happened, but I can change how I tell my story, how I feel about my story and what I wish to do with it. As much as I wish I could take it away, that will not change the fact, that it is what it is. So instead, I am grateful for the lessons it taught me and the strengths that it provided me. Even when, I could have taken a path that we see so many take - which results in a form of addiction.

Now, I don't share this story with many people, however, tonight I did share it with someone special. I am grateful for who I opened up to, who I shared it with, and in that moment, how comfortable I was sharing.

Sometimes, it's important to share the struggle along with the good, so those that love you, can love you completely and understand you. I am so grateful, that my circle of people I can trust with my story is growing. Because everyone should be able to be open and tell their story...

Meaning, rather than Happiness!

Today I am grateful for having meaning in my life.

I recently listed to a TED talk about people's pursuit of happiness. It when on to say, chasing happiness and only happiness actually makes people unhappy. WTF? My thought's exactly. But I continued to listen to the video as I was intrigued. Apparently, studies showed that people experienced emptiness when they were only chasing happiness, but not because they had a lack of happiness but because they had a lack of meaning. MIND BLOWN right?

She continues to talk about the 4 pillars to having meaning in your life. This got me thinking about my life... Do I have the 4 pillars in my life? What in my life fit within the 4 pillars she discovered through her studies...  For your reference these bad boys are:

1. Belonging (valued for who you are and value others);
2. Purpose (less about what you want, but more about what you give);
3. Transcendence (being in the zone/losing a sense of time or place); and
4. Storytelling (the story you tell about yourself to yourself - how you became you).

And there it was, clear as day... when I sat down and asked myself questions based around each pillar, the answers were effortless. At the end of the activity, I felt happy and satisfied. To be honest, by the end of the TED Talk, and the little pillars activity I was relieved to know and feel that there is more to life than happiness. That you can enjoy all emotions, you don't have to be happy all the time, but can enjoy happiness as it comes in the moments you experience it. It was a relief to know, that having meaning in your life leads to a more fulfilled life and in turn, a happier life.

I was also chuffed to discover that I currently have belonging, with some very close friends and my family - that love me unconditionally for who I am and nurture who I am. Just as I love them for who they are and nurture who they are. That I have purpose which is to help people and to guide my children into strong, independent young woman. That I experience Transcendence when I work out with my fiancee. And that over the years, I have told my story, for every truth that it has, that I am grateful for my experiences that have turned me into who I am today - inclusive of some pretty horrible memories, but those memories gave me my resilience, my compassion and my understanding.

I don't think there could be anything more I could be grateful for today, then having that article shared with me (link below), for taking the time to ask myself some questions around the pillars, for recognising what are my pillars and for acknowledging how fulfilled and meaningful my life really is.

https://www.ted.com/talks/emily_esfahani_smith_there_s_more_to_life_than_being_happy

All you need is.... New Shoes!

Oh dear Sunday, what a wonderful day being had by all in our little home.

The terrors are colouring in Christmas themed printables to the sound of Mariah Carey bashing out 'All I want for Christmas'. I used to LOVE that song, after this morning, this week, ok the last 2 weeks - not so much!

So today, besides the Christmas spirit blaring in the house, I am grateful for Zac generally putting up with my shit... More importantly, putting up with my absolute love and addiction for shoes... Hey, shoes are embedded in my culture - after all, I am half Filo and I am just following in the footsteps of my fellow Filo Imelda Marcos! Peace Babes!

So, this morning the dreaded conversation came up about my shoes! For some unknown reason, my delightful fiancee decided to tell me I have too many shoes... AND, that I don't wear them enough to justify having that many shoes. Having a legal thought process (occupational hazard), I was armed with my defence and believed I was ready for any type of shoe battle that may lie ahead.

In a huff, I was off with smoke steaming out of my ears and off to prove a point... Not sure what type of point I was trying to prove with my next step... But the story must go on. So back to the storming off, I grabbed almost every pair of shoes I own and put them in rows, and then the little loves started to help, and then we were still going... still going... just another ten more minutes... and now we are done... With 70 pairs of shoes, most I haven't worn - but fuck they are pretty. I even found shoes that I thought I gave away to charity... I realised this is probably a battle I am not going to win... Abort! Abort!

So, my defences were down, I was defeated, I had no argument. But, he just smiled, told me I had issues, told me to put them away, took a quick photo and jokingly threated an eBay sale (he has done this a lot - one-time shit got real and I went on a shoe wearing frenzy) and went on his merry way.

Left with just under half my collection to go, I decided to give up, I looked at the shoes and thought to myself - you go, girlfriend, boxing day sales are just around the corner - you can get two for the price of one... Yep, he is right - I do have issues, but at least, they are pretty issues.

And with that, I am so grateful he puts up with my shoe shit, that he loves me completely - baggage and all... In this instance, my baggage is full of shoes!

Decide, Commit, Focus, Succeed!

Today - being Saturday, I am grateful for focus.

Our littlest love has always been a go with the flow, happy go lucky, whatever goes, whatever whatever, I just wanna have fun, no commitment kind of kid. This is ridiculously refreshing, as our eldest love is a super organised, super committed, everything has to be perfect, slightly OCD kind of kid. I can not WAIT for the upcoming teenage years 'insert sarcasm'. It will be like a hormonal war zone, constant world war from every fucking angle imaginably possible. I pray every night that I have apologised to my mother enough to prevent the Karma of my wild, emotional and defiant teenage years biting me hard on the ass...

Anyway, we'll get back to the focus gratitude shall we? So the most uncommitted little lady I have ever met made a commitment at the start of the year. As soon as she saw the big cheerleading girls doing a full out for their trip to America to compete, she wanted to be like them. To be like Sissy... She wanted it so bad, she begged us to change from the recreational classes to the competition classes straight away.

So, given we have done this for her in the past for other things - we instantly became tight asses... With other stuff that she has pleaded with those lush big blue eyes, long lashes and the cutest little face and voice that could melt the devil's heart - to which we clearly gave in to her. When it got too tough for her, or she had to do too much - she would come home and say: it's not for me, I just wanna have fun and then proceeds to sing 'girls just wanna have fun, oh girls just wanna have fun'. We set her with a task. She had to complete one full year of attending every single fun class lesson, she had to wear the cheer school training uniform, cheer shoes and bow to every single less, she had to train with sissy in the garage to practice what she learnt every week.

I have never seen this kid so determined and so focused. She hates anything healthy and ate all of her salad... Admittedly there were a lot of tears, a lot of I don't want to, a lot of lettuce tastes horrible, a lot of I'll eat everything else but the lettuce leaves and see if anyone would really notice. But in the end, through her snot bubble tears, she ate it. Then was proud of herself and then danced around saying she was gonna be a big cheerleader in now time. I won't repeat the above, but the same thing happened, but not as often about practising... You clearly get the picture here, don't you?

Today, we finally got the pleasure of seeing her do her fun class full-out... Proud is an understatement. She remained focused, didn't fluff around (she does this a lot, especially in swimming lessons - when the teacher isn't looking, she is pretending to be a beautiful mermaid). Her skills have improved so much, her attitude has improved as well - all thanks to her maintaining her focus on what she wanted - Competitive Cheer!

Safe to say, the littlest love can dust off her fun cheer class boots, and put on her big girl boots. Cause our tight asses have disappeared and the pockets are deep again... She will be doing competitive cheer next year... Yep, another proud parent bragging post...

Get Busy Living!

Well well well... What a whirlwind the last fortnight has been...

I know what you thinking... Where in the bloody hell have you been mate? Well, I have been here there and everywhere. Literally!

So naturally today, I am grateful for being busy... I love being busy at home and at work. Keeps me on my toes, keeps me achieving and keeps me determined - amongst other things.

In the last two weeks, I have inspected so many sites, from in and around Brisbane, then doing a trip up North Queensland involving several flights, one of which I nearly missed...and, over 1,5000kms of North Queensland Country driving in 3 days... From Emerald to Winton back to Emerald and everything in between, including a little town called Sapphire. I even got to see an old Caravan Park, that my family and I stayed in, in Emerald for a month when my Farther first moved our family to Queensland after our stint in Papua New Guinea. The swimming pool I remember swimming in across the road from the Caravan Park has definitely had a facelift in comparison to my time. Was amazing to see some things surviving time. Especially after visiting old railway towns that didn't make it against its battle with time.

I have been to beaches and chilled out on a luxury 42-foot boat... I have jumped on a trampoline with my kids until I couldn't breathe and move, cuddled, chilled out and watched movies. I have skyped called my little loves ever night when I was away. And, most importantly, given the Christmas spirit, we decorated the shit out of the house and of course, put up the Christmas Tree. Clearly, we decked it out with so many lights so the fat man in the red suit couldn't miss where to put the Chrissy presents even if he tried.

I am pretty sure by the time the next fortnight is over, with Uni Exams, another trip to Emerald and Mackay, my Christmas holidays will be here in no time - you bloody beauty! We have so much excitement in store for our little loves and I simply CANNOT wait for them to see all the goodies we have brought them.

Invest in Rest!

Today's (Friday's - another late upload) gratitude is all about rest! Ok, let’s be serious here... It's not just today's gratitude, it literally is the whole week that has just flown before my eye's gratitude. 

I have found myself in this not so unusual space where I get sick...very sick. We can thank my health issues for that. Every now and then my body has a temper tantrum, just to remind me my health issues are there. So, when I find myself in these situations, I am super grateful for my amazing fam bam that support and help me get through it. I am also super grateful for our amazing Au Pair.

Zac, our Au Pair and my daughters all pitch in to do my usual jobs around the house so I can invest in some rest. And yes, I am a sook when I am sick with the flu, let alone when the serious shit pops up and say's G'day! Pretty sure they put me to bed and close the door, so they don't have to listen to my whining.

So, while I am moaning and groaning, wallowing in my pain in bed, I feel so blessed that everyone around the house helps me out, so I'll get better quicker. As a result, today, I have started to come good - which is just in time for me to do a big drive to Fundaberg for my little loves to spend the weekend with their Dad.

I finally feel rested and no longer feel like I have been hit by a bus - I have upgraded to feeling like I have been hit by a Mini. My eyeballs feel like they are going to explode so most of this week I have been hanging for home time, so I can flop myself on my bed. The last few days at work has been a serious struggle, especially with mind numbing work like mapping out access roads, I even struggled with the couple of day trips to various towns - the plane rides were hell... Pretty sure the people beside me didn't appreciate the wallowing, falling asleep, snoring and drool.

One thing my issues have taught me is always listening to your body, looking out for those signs and being more self-aware. If I didn't do this, I wouldn't rest or stop until shit would completely hit the fan, resulting in hospital visit and being bed ridden for a week.

So, here’s to trashy jim jams, comfy bed, cuddles from little loves and a much-needed investment into some shut eye!

Acres, not hours!

Today (more like  last Wednesday as a result of some health issues, this is a late upload... very late upload) I am super grateful for our farmers! Thanks to my job, I get the pleasure of going to various farms and having a good old yarn to farmers that are our neighbours.

This, most of the time, is one of my favourite things about my job. Hanging out in the middle of nowhere, having a chit-chat in the company of the locals, some cows and the occasional prized bull.

Now, I can't say that every visit is a pleasant visit, but what I can say is I totally get and understand our adjoining landowners frustrations. This is their livelihood, it's ours too. So yesterday, I was on site, visiting a landowner about an acquisitions deal I have been working on with them very closely.  On my way to their property, my heart sank.... over 10,000 acres of their cattle country had been severely impacted by a recent fire after a electrical storm - to top if off they are also impacted by one of the worst droughts they have had in years.

Yep, peeps... these aren't the farms you see on T.V. for commercials with the perfect manicured green grass with a fat cow happily mooing or the farms the Politicians visit... These farms are reality... Hearing them talk about the struggle, how if they don't get rain soon they won't survive, the lack of support that they receive, the tax implications suffered at the hands of the government with the recent 'five for a farmer' fundraiser and the knowledge that the government will fork out water to a mining company for free or limited fees, but wont support the people that supply the fresh produce and meat that we consume daily. 

So as we walked and talked through their property, you could hear the crunch of the dry lifeless grass from under your boots, the struggle in their voice, and the heat that was so intense it was sucking your soul - my heart broke. I am so grateful, and even more grateful that what I was before - for all the struggle, defeat at the hands of mother nature, lack of support and ridiculously hard work our rural farmers put in day in and day out to provide what they do for our greater community.

The day I chose the 2-year-old tantrum!

After the last 24 hours, I would have to say I am grateful for support from an amazing network of family and my peeps, and readers.

The last 24 hours to say the least have been interesting. I received a very negative and inappropriate form of feedback on my post regarding my eldest daughter and our cheerleading commitment… I am gonna call it our commitment given that Zac and I work out in our gym with her every night to support her goals, pick her up and drop her off to every lesson and every competition, do her hair an make up for every competition and pay the ridiculously expensive fees for every lesson (on our own by the way), including supporting her request for an additional skill-building classes.   Now does that sound like I am a woman on a mission or what!

Over my time, I have had a lot of negative, soul-sucking parasites in my life. I have gone out of my way to ensure I do not associate myself with any of them.  As a result of removing those people from my life and only keeping those souls lifting, committed, happy, supportive people in my life – my life has been bliss… Granted you’re literally only human so sometimes as a human, we let the shit creep in. We aren’t robots, we have feelings – and given that, we choose how we want to feel and react to people and the situations we face.

Now, I know I don’t have to justify my life, or explain the level of commitment I have to my Children. Let me rephrase that – the level of commitment that Zac and I have for our children. So of course, I lost my absolute shit, when I receive the utter bullshit I was sent advising me that I am lying about what we do for our kids, that I am taking away the commitment and dedication away from the kid’s real parents (assuming they are referring to my ex-husband and his partner, which my kids don’t live with – but visit).

I am not going to lie – I believed at a point in time, that putting up an epic rant about my commitment to my kids on my personal Facebook page was the most appropriate thing to do. Fuck acting like an adult, right? At that time, I wanted to be that 2-year-old throwing a tantrum in the shopping centre and boy did I do a good job of it.

So, after some amazing support, kind words and token BFF statements like 'screw that stranger, they no nothing' or 'they have no idea what you and Zac do day in and day out for the girls'. I decided to take my post down, stop acting like a 2-year-old and letting the person get to me. Why should I? One of my beautiful friends said to me, people only conduct themselves like this for two reasons: 1. They are miserable and jealous and want other people to feel miserable. And, 2. Because of their lack of commitment and understanding, in an attempt to make themselves feel better they will try and control how people see you. BOOM!

In an instant a weight was lifted from my shoulders – of course, those who don’t know will never speak the truth, those who do know will be waiting, if you have to go to battle – backing you. Those who know and are ashamed will try shift how you are perceived.

So although my first choice of how I wanted to feel about the situation was initially not the greatest, I am so grateful for my support network, who reminded me of my genuine focus.  Who reminded me of the amazing things we do, and the choice I have to understand that these are not feelings I choose to feel, that I am happy and I genuinely feel sorry for the person who went out of their way to create misery which on the basis of misconceptions they believe.

Ok Monday, let’s do this shit!

Well hello, Monday you fine thing! It’s been a long time since I have dreaded a Monday… I believe this is because I am content with the balance of my life… Or, I need to be sent to the looney bin!

This weekend has been so full on and busy: Cheerleading, dinner and lunch dates with the loves, beach hangs, the movies, and then just general chilling out (not a lot of doing nothing happened on the weekend)… This pretty much, save for the cheerleading, sums up our weekends… Bliss!

Anyway, today I am grateful for train rides… Oh yes, those large sardine tins that move elegantly through the back streets from my house to where I work.  I am grateful because of the full-on weekends, I get an extra 1 ½ hours of Uni studies every single day… WHAT!!! Love it... Yeah, even more, creepy that I love Uni…right?! OH, I also love the moving sardine tin because it saves me from participating in excessive road rage when being stuck in peak hour traffic.

It’s like this great surprise… One minute I feel overwhelmed because I think I am behind and then by the end of 1 day, I have caught up and livin’ on cloud 9. I am super proud of myself for the commitment I have made for something I love… And, I honestly believe this display of my commitment, has influenced the girls on their commitment to things they love or believe in. I always work hard for the things I love and believe in… I even work hard for things I believe in, but, I seriously don’t love…hate would be the more appropriate word – but hey, you do what you gotta do for the greater good right?

So, thanks to this fine ass Monday, my ritual morning train ride and my creepy ass love for learning, I have Administrative Law by the balls! I have no doubt in my mind I will pass with flying colours like every other form of study or unit for my law degree I have undertaken… I love learning, a total nerd and I know it… Don’t let me tough stickers deceive you. I am all sorts of nerd on the inside!

Time, waste it wisely!

It’s amazing how sometimes life gets away from you… Can you believe that it is almost Christmas already? It honestly didn’t feel like long ago, when I greeted the new year in Vietnam.

So, with time slipping away, I realised that it has been ages since I hung out with my elder brother and his wife. There was always something… So now we find ourselves so close to Christmas and a big distance between us, yet we literally live a few blocks away from each other. Pretty sad ha?

This Sunday I am grateful for morning family fun days, and finally getting to hang out with my big bro and his wife. It was such a beautiful day, even with the occasional shower here and there. We hung out at the beach for most of the morning, with an amazing sausage sizzle cooked by yours truly… Yeah ok, I suck at BBQ cooking – better give the credit where it is due – so cooked by Chef extraordinaire Zac. The kids swam and then when cold got extra warm cuddles from their Uncle and Aunty.

I have so much love for my brother…even though he is annoying as hell, just like I annoy the living shit out of him. I couldn’t ask for a better brother. He supported me and stuck by me at my worst. Even went so far as being one of the big reasons why my life is the way it is today.  A long time ago I hit rock bottom. Pre-marriage, pre-kids, pre-meeting my ex-husband. I lost my way... badly… and there he was, doing a special trip to Bundy – took me out and put it straight. He gave me a choice to come willingly to Brisbane to get out of the world I was spiralling into, or he would make me move. I have never forgotten that day, and never will. I honestly would not be on this earth if it wasn’t for that chat.  I don’t think I have ever openly told him: thank you for saving my life… I know he knows, and I should probably say thank you more often than what I do. But, I do tell everyone else in the world that story all the time.

His wife is perfect for him, I honestly believe they are the perfect match, and I am so proud to call her my sister.  The joy she has brought into his world is all I could have ever hoped for,  for him. He has always been such a nice guy – such a caring guy.

I have some many amazing, funny, crazy, drunk teenager memories with my brother and many more amazing, funny, crazy, drunk adult memories to come…

Live your life - full out!

What an amazing Saturday it has been.

And with that, today I am grateful for being a Cheer Mum... Yep, if you know me well, you would know that hair and makeup is not my forte. Therefore, I would epically fail at being a Dance or Cheer Mum... But hey, I have set myself a goal, and totally smashed it... I am seriously thinking of quitting property and law and getting into the hair and makeup biz... Alright, I confess, I still suck at putting makeup on myself.

Miss Mia had her second cheer competition for the year! And, her and her team has placed second in their division! PROUD! Both little loves have been committed to their love for Cheerleading, with Havanah attending every single recreational cheer class so she can do competitive cheer like her big sissy next year. And then there is Mia, she has been that obsessive kind of dedicated... Between Zac and I, we have trained almost every night in our gym with her. She sets herself countless goals and we get in there with her, work out with her and help her achieve them. She does smash them by the way...totally gets that from me.

I remember when she came home from Cheer the other week buzzing with excitement about their new routine for the comp. 'Mum we did the full out for our new routine and smashed it' this was obviously said in a high pitched overexcited little ladies voice. Oh and a full out for the non-cheer knowledgeable people reading this is the first time they perform their routine from start to finish in front of the other kids at their cheerleading school. I am totally getting the hang of this Cheer Mum shit! Even learning all the terminology - you wanna know just come see me... Ok, maybe wait till next year to ask me any questions.

Right, back to the point... So all her hard work over the last 12 months has paid off... Babycakes did so well.  I, of course, screamed out 'Go Mia' when it was all quiet before they were about to start... I am pretty sure she was really grateful she couldn't see me at the top of the grandstand waving my arms around like crazy cheering her on.

Proud is an understatement, and I am looking forward to the commitment and dedication next year... At the rate I am going with all this cheer training with the girls, I will be a pro! Thanks, Mia! Could I still be a pro, if I couldn't cheer accurately to save my life... Let's just go with a yes for now.

Collecting moments, not things!

Today, I am grateful for change, my morals and lifestyle. You see, I used to be a very materialistic person. It was all about, how much my clothes cost, my ridiculously expensive handbag collection, my shoe collection (hey I am half Filipino, it's in my genes to have a large shoe collection), the car I drove, the phone I had. We seriously could go on forever about how shallow I was about materialistic things.

I always dreamed of being a lawyer - hey 33 years in the making, considering I am actually studying law now. I also always dreamed of having a sports cars, a big mansion, with a bedroom just for my shoes.

Boy oh boy, times have changed. You see, many years ago,  when things went south with that ex-hubby of mine, I had nothing. I moved into my brother's house... Ok, more like his garage, just with our clothes. I had to buy new beds for us with the limited money I had, but after that I had nothing. I saved up, brought everything second hand and managed to get my fridge my dad brought me and a buffet unit back from my ex-husband...

That was it, just the girls, our second-hand furniture, no money and determination pushing me through. I was adamant that I was going to show my girls, that no matter what, you can achieve anything you put your mind to. I worked full-time, I committed my spare time 100% to my girls, I paid my bills and then started studying law part-time. I would never study while they were awake, I would always wait till they went to bed and the stayed up for hours studying... I still do this...I seriously will be 100 by the time I finish my law degree.

I made a name for myself in the Property industry and bam, here I am in an amazing job, doing what I love earning the 'coin'. However, I don't spend the money like I originally thought I always wanted to. I have an ordinary house - even though I could have bigger.  I have an ordinary car - even though I could have better. I have ordinary clothes - even though I could have high end. I have ordinary furniture - even though I could have designer. My shift has changed...

Instead of having all those fancy things I always "desired", I have amazing memories and more memories to come. As a result of this outlook for the last few years, the little loves feel the same. They don't want the extravagant, why should you - they say, you can't bring it with you when you die. But what you can do, is live a life full of opportunity, full of memories, full of experiences, full of laughter, full of adventure, full of love - now that is a life worth living.

That my friends - is my life and we all love it!

It's starting to feel a lot like Christmas!

Today has no doubtable been an absolutely full on day. It's always good, well I love it - the busier you are the quicker time flies. 

So between work and my health today flew before my eyes... and then, let the excitement begin!

SCHOOL CHRISTMAS CONCERT!!!!!!!!!!! (screamed in two adorable little ladies voices).

Yep, it is Christmas time here at the girl's school! Boy, was it the absolute best! I remember a time where we never were able to make these things... Now, all that hard work over the years has paid off and I don't miss a thing!

The Christmas decorations and outfits were out in full force, with the old and the young all giving it a good bash... Nothing could beat the smile on all the little faces... All 300 hundred odd. I am pretty sure as soon as we arrived, they ran off to their friends, compared outfits, run around, threw in a couple of cartwheels and then enjoyed some tasty food from the food trucks on site. 

The stage looked awesome, and so did the gorgeous little Preppy's that got on the stage, all nervous but full of excitement belting out Silent Night at the top of their lungs. 

Then the MC announces that it's the grades 1's turn to show the parents and teachers their best Christmas singing voices. Immediately Havanah got up, jumping up and down, waving her arms around like crazy to ensure without a doubt we could see her. The excitement and joy on her face this year was so much better than last year... Pretty sure it is because she wasn't as nervous since she has done it once before. 

A few more grades go by, and then MC announces grade 3's... Oh, the smile on that kids face, the fun she had, the joy it made Zac, myself and their Au Pair Evie feel. A little more conservative, she didn't jump up and down like a monkey... She just smiled, waved, smiled again, giggled with her friends when Zac and I waved back like the dorky proud parents we are and then belted out her Christmasy tune!

Such a magical night, under the stars, listening to 300 children singing completely off key, not in time with each other and all distracted by waving at their parents!